Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks Of The Best Movies Of 2012

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2013 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

 

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

 

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2012 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2012, with a brief description of each one.

 

LES MISERABLES: The story of a revolution in the Jewish Quarter of Paris, where women preparing for Pesach find that they can’t take one day more, because at the end of the day they have nothing but matzah.

SILVER LININGS PRAYBOOK: Sensing pessimism among his congregants, a rabbi uses White-Out to remove every negative passage in his synagogue’s siddurim.

FLIGHT: On a plane to Israel and desperate for a minyan, nine Jewish men hatch a scheme to convince a Jewish atheist in first class to join the daveners at the back of the plane.

THE FIVE YEAR ENGAGEMENT: An ultra-orthodox Jewish man shocks his community by staying engaged for five years, during which time his eight brothers and sisters all get engaged, married and have children of their own.

MAGIC MIC: A soft-spoken orthodox rabbi takes voice lessons so his congregants can better hear him, which leads to swirling rumors about a hidden microphone existing somewhere under the bimah.

TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE: A cantor is fired in the middle of Musaf on Yom Kippur when the strict members of his congregation disapprove of the way he bows during Aleinu.

MAN ON A LEDGE: A gabbai successfully lobbies to have a railing installed around the narrow bimah after one too many close calls during Hagbah.

ABRAHAM: VAMPIRE HUNTER: A new look at Abraham’s early years in Haran. What was his father’s business anyway, and were those really idols he smashed?

TWO DAYS IN NEW YORK: Find out how long it takes a recent college graduate to move to the Big City, go to shul on the Upper West Side, and find his bashert.

LIFE OF PIE: A first-time faster spends every moment of his Yom Kippur fast dreaming of exactly how he’ll break it.

THE HUNGER GAMES: Forbidden to ingest dairy because of lactose intolerance, grains because of digestive problems, and fruits and vegetables because they may contain small bugs that render them unkosher, a family prepares for Passover.

BREAKING DAWN, PART I: In B’nai B’rak, the rabbis would sit and discuss the Exodus all night, until their students came to tell them it was time for the morning prayers. This two-part mini-series examines the famous Haggadah story from the perspectives of the first-century students who roused the rabbis to their prayer duties.

JACK REACHER: When a man realizes that his morning newspaper is sitting several feet outside of the eruv, it’s time to get creative.

HOPE SPRINGS: A Hebrew poet seeks refuge in a spa and is inspired to write Hatikvah, Israel’s national anthem.