Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks Of The Best Movies Of 2013

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2014 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

 

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

 

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2013 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2013, with a brief description of each one.

 

GRAVITY:  On Friday night in outer space, a Jewish astronaut spends three hours trying to pour grape juice into a kiddush cup.

12 YEARS A SLAVE: On the eve of her Bat Mitzvah, a girl is devastated to learn that “becoming a young woman” does not mean she’ll be moving out of her controlling parents’ house.

CATCHING FIRE: When the twisted wicks of the Havdalah candle refuse to ignite, one girl has the secret of obtaining a flame.

THE LE(mypeople)GO MOVIE: For Jews escaping Egypt, everything is awesome.

FROZEN: Tales from the womens’ section of a Florida shul during the High Holidays, as the women huddle together for warmth and figure out how to signal the Shabbos goy to turn down the air conditioner.

BEFORE MIDNIGHT: A frum couple meets over breakfast and is engaged shortly after dinner.

ENOUGH SAID: At the Shabbat dinner table, children test their parents’ patience by humming and grunting complete sentences after washing their hands but before making Motzi.

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY: The staff of an ultra-Orthodox Yeshiva high school goes ballistic when they learn that one of their students will be attending a secular college.

DALLAS BUYERS CLUB: One desperate Jew, told that there would be no matzah available for his Texas town, takes measures into his own hands by creating the most unleavened smuggling ring in history.

ALL IS LOST: Hopelessly drunk after the fourth cup of wine, a family’s patriarch overreacts to the disappearance of the Afikoman.

HER: A grandmother doesn’t even pretend to remember the name of her 17th grandchild.

THE LOAN ARRANGER: A synagogue’s treasurer saves the day when he calls on his Wall Street connections to guarantee a multimillion dollar loan for construction of a mikvah and swimming pool in the new building extension.

NOW YOU SEE ME: A Kohen peeks out from behind his tallit and plays hide and seek with congregation members who violate the custom of averting their eyes during the Priestly Blessing.

 BAD GRANDPA: The synagogue’s candy man is relieved of his duties when the children he supplies with lollipops discover that they don’t have an accepted hashgacha.