Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2017

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2018 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2017 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2017, with a brief description of each one.

  THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE NEWARK, NJ:

When a series of bacon-flavored products is accidentally certified kosher, local rabbis put up billboards to alert the locals in the only location they can collectively afford. 

GET OUT: After hosting a three-day yuntif, one brave woman makes the

controversial decision to be honest with her in-laws.

 OY TANYA:  Tana'im and Amoraim square off in an Olympic battle for Talmudic supremacy.

THE SHAPE OF WATER: A fight breaks out when an ultra-Orthodox Shabbat dinner guest learns that his host made the ice cubes after sundown.

DARKEST HOUR: The tense family tale of what happens in that last hour of Shabbat, when all the daylight has faded and before three stars are visible.

WONDER WOMAN: The story of every Jewish woman for the weeks between Purim and Passover (and year-round).

LADY BIRD: A lonely man falls in love while swinging a chicken around his head during

Kapparot.

JEWMANJI: Friday afternoon, four young Orthodox Jews get sucked into a video game and have to figure out how to escape before sundown arrives and they're trapped in the

game over Shabbos.

THE BIG SICK:A community suffers the gassy aftermath of a cholent cook-off.

ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD: The son of the community's biggest donor has an idea to fund both his extravagant lifestyle and the new shul building, and enlists the

shul president to help in his own kidnapping and ransom scheme.

CALL ME BY YOUR NAME: While receiving his first-ever Aliyah, a baal t’shuva panics on the bima, putting the gabbai in an awkward position.

BABY DRIVER: After going into labor on Shabbat morning, an observant couple finds a controversial loophole that allows them to drive home from the hospital.

DOWNSIZING: A mohel is barred from performing circumcisions when he takes a bris

one step too far.

PHANTOM THREAD: A shatnez checker looks the other way when a wealthy customer shows up wearing a suit made from both wool and linen.

THE POST: An Orthodox neighborhood is thrown into turmoil when the synagogue website posts a notice that the eruv has been inspected and is up, when in reality there is a gap that renders it in valid for carrying on Shabbat.

THE INSULT: A wealthy congregant storms out of the synagogue when the gabbai bypasses him for an aliyah on the Shabbat after he completes a trip to Israel.

More Rare Talmud Baghdadi Volumes Discovered in Abandoned ISIS Cities (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday Night February 28. It is read again on Thursday morning, March 1. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2018 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2017 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.

MORE RARE TALMUD BAGHDADI VOLUMES DISCOVERED 
IN ABANDONED ISIS CITIES

New Tractates Cover Laws of Supermarket Shopping; 

Include Koifin, Hondlin, Kvetchin, Shtuppin, Noshin, and Shleppin  

  FAIR LAWN, March 1  –  Six months after ISIS forces were driven from Mosul, Iraq, the same team of archaeologists who discovered the long lost Talmudic tractates Nappin, Fressin, Meetin, Tantzen, and Patchen (reported in the Kronikle Purim issues of 1991, 1998, 2003, and 2016) announced the  unearthing of  tractates Koifin, Hondlin, Kvetchin, Shtuppin, Noshin, and Shleppin.

These volumes, found rolled up in a cave near the city, describe the debates among fifth-century rabbis about the laws of supermarket shopping – buying, bargaining, squeezing, shoving, sampling, and delivery. 

The tractates reveal previously unknown details about the everyday lives of ordinary citizens as they go about their tasks of shopping in supermarkets. Here are highlights of some of the rabbinical debates and discussions in each volume: 

Koifin: Can you buy foods that are made from mixtures of dissimilar substances that might be a violation of the laws of shatnez and kilayim?  Does the ban include chocolate chip cookies, fudge swirl ice cream, and raisin bran? 

Hondlin: Can you bargain for a lower price with the produce manager or the cashier?  Does the store owe you money if you present coupons worth more than the cost of the item? 

Kvetchin: Which grocery items are you permitted to squeeze? (See sample on this page). 

Shtuppin: If someone is blocking the aisle with a shopping cart, how much force can you use to push them out of the way? How many lashes do you get for shoving your cart into someone’s cart in the parking lot? How much compensation does the shovee get? 
Noshin: How many boxes of cookies can you open before paying while shopping with your crying, annoying child? 
Shleppin: When checking out at the supermarket, should you consider environmental damage caused by paper and plastic bags, or insist on paper in plastic, damn the environment?

 

A Joke to Start the Week - "The Right Password"

We're starting our fourth and last week in sunny South Florida, where we're taking a working vacation. It's been sunny and 80+ degrees, and we're not complaining.

In addition to soaking up the sun and giving ten lectures on Jewish humor on Florida's East Coast, we're busy recording some new old jokes for the upcoming Mondays.

Here's the setup for today's joke to start the week: 80-year-old Seymour is worried about his memory because he can't remember his bank's on-line password. So he asks his friend Sheldon if he has the same problem. And then...

Enjoy!

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YidLife Crisis Presents Hollywood's Greatest Film Moments (Vol. 2) -- in Yiddish!

Take some of the most famous lines from legendary Hollywood movies and imagine them being uttered in Yiddish? That's exactly what Eli Batalion and Jamie Elman, the creators of YidLife Crisis have done. Not only imagined but actually dubbed for our enjoyment.

Last year we brought you volume one of this series. Now we're sharing some more of these classic videos that Eli and Jamie have dubbed in Yiddish.
So take a break and see what Star Wars, The Exorcist, E. T. and many others would have sounded like with a Yiddish soundtrack.
Enjoy!
A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY ON SOME COMPUTERS AND TABLETS.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.

Welcoming Shabbat with Yigdal by Enrico Macias

Enrico Macias, a native of French Algeria, has performed around the world, primarily in Europe and the Middle East. Born to Jewish parents in 1938, he has not been allowed to return to Algeria because of his ongoing support for Israel.

Today our Welcoming Shabbat post features Macias singing a Sephardic version of Yigdal Elohim Chai, the liturgical poem that concludes the Friday evening Shabbat service. 

Enjoy and Shabbat shalom.

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY ON SOME COMPUTERS AND TABLETS.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.

Throwback Thursday Interview Special: Frank Oz, the Voice of Cookie Monster, Miss Piggy, Bert, Grover, and Yoda

Frank Oz (born Frank Richard Oznowicz on May 25, 1944) is an English-born American puppeteer, filmmaker and actor.

His career began as a puppeteer, where he performed the Muppet characters of Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, and Sam Eagle in The Muppet Show, and Cookie Monster, Bert, and Grover in Sesame Street. He is also known for being the puppeteer and voice of Yoda in the Star Wars films.

Today we're going back 42 years to 1976, when Oz was interviewed by CBC, the Canadian broadcast channel. Oz showed up at the studio with Cookie Monster and talked about the advantages of being an unrecognized celebrity puppeteer. Today Oz is 73 and lives in New York City.

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY ON SOME COMPUTERS AND TABLETS.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.

Purim Special: Comedian Elon Gold on Keeping Your Groggers Close All Year Long

During the last week of February 2017 over 3,000 people came out to Nefesh B’Nefesh events across North America to explore Aliyah. Comedian Elon Gold​ was on hand to close the NY Mega Event with some thoughts on the holiday of Purim.

In this video, Elon reflects on the custom of using groggers to blot out Haman's name and wonders if this groggering might apply to other situations throughout the year.

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY ON SOME COMPUTERS AND TABLETS.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO. 

Here Come the Purim Music Videos - Starting in Sao Paolo, Brazil

It's that time of year again. Groggers are coming out of boxes in the basement and Megillah scrolls are being checked and prepared for use. 

Next Wednesday evening and Thursday morning the story of Esther will be read all over the world as we celebrate another Purim.

With only nine days to go, the Purim videos are starting to appear on YouTube. We'll be reviewing them as they come in and sharing the best with you.

We'll start with a video from the Yeshiva Guevoha in Sao Paolo, Brazil. This a cappella La Fiesta was produced by Grammy-nominated composer Shai Fishman, the creator of world acclaimed a cappella group The VocaPeople.

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY ON SOME COMPUTERS AND TABLETS.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.
 

A Joke to Start the Week - "A Hebrew School Riddle"

We're still in sunny South Florida, where we're taking a working vacation. It's been sunny and 80+ degrees, and we're not complaining.

In addition to soaking up the sun and giving ten lectures on Jewish humor on Florida's East Coast, we're busy recording some new old jokes for the upcoming Mondays. 

Here's the setup for today's joke to start the week: Rabbi Goldberg decides to visit his shul's junior Hebrew class just before Rosh Hashanah and give them a brief demonstration of blowing the shofar. And then...

Enjoy! 

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY ON SOME COMPUTERS AND TABLETS.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.

Jewish Traces in Unexpected Places - Hava Nagila at a Family Party in Mumbai (Bombay), India

Globe Studios is one of the leading media content creation organizations in Mumbai, India. It has been an integral part of the audio and digital media industry in Mumbai for over 25 years.

The company is headed by Charles Siqueira Vaz, an accomplished music producer & audio director, who worked closely with renowned artists & banners in the music and film industry.

He recently hosted a party for family and friends in his home in Mumbai. Picking up a guitar, he led the group in singing and dancing. What song? Hava Nagila, of course!

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY ON SOME COMPUTERS AND TABLETS.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.

A Wendy's Shabbat for Seniors in Palm Desert

A short documentary film, Wendy's Shabbat, has been drawing attention at Jewish film festivals around the USA.

It's about a group of Jewish senior citizens in Palm Desert, California who celebrate the weekly Shabbat at the local Wendy’s fast food restaurant with Hebrew blessings over burgers and fries.

The friends usher in the Sabbath by candlelight, with challah bread and grape juice (no wine at Wendy's) to complement their chicken nuggets and fries. Shabbat is typically observed at home with family, but here these seniors share in the celebration of their religion at Wendy’s. The Wendy’s staff, somewhat tickled and honored to be the site of such ritual, arrange the restaurant tables into a long row and prepare milkshakes for each attendee.

This is a story of rediscovering the joys of community again in older age, and in the longing for ritual, however unorthodox and non-kosher it may be. There are themes of love, of ritual and of community -- all within the context of an adorable scene at Wendy’s.

The film will be shown at nine Jewish film festivals in 2018.

Enjoy and Shabbat shalom.

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY ON SOME COMPUTERS AND TABLETS.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.