Jewish Humor Central is a daily publication to start your day with news of the Jewish world that's likely to produce a knowing smile and some Yiddishe nachas. It's also a collection of sources of Jewish humor--anything that brings a grin, chuckle, laugh, guffaw, or just a warm feeling to readers.
Our posts include jokes, satire, books, music, films, videos, food, Unbelievable But True, and In the News. Some are new, and some are classics. We post every morning, Sunday through Friday. Enjoy!
Our month of holidays concludes this week with Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah -- Monday in Israel and Monday and Tuesday everywhere else. We'll be celebrating both days in a New Jersey synagogue and we'll be back with our usual mix of funny stuff and Jewish entertainment on Wednesday. But we have one more chance to share a holiday video with you and we selected the Simchat Torah Rap by David Nachenberg, who also goes by the name Rap Daddy D. The first half of the song is in Hebrew and the second half is in English. Enjoy, and Chag Sameach! A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:
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Mezumenet is the University of Maryland's Jewish a cappella group. It
was founded in December 2008 by four young women who studied (and sang)
in Israel together. When they came to the University of Maryland they
wanted to continue to share their passion for singing and Jewish
culture.
Their repertoire includes traditional Jewish melodies, current Israeli pop, classic rock, current Broadway hits, and contemporary radio hits, all rounded out with their unique Mezumenet parodies.
Let us Bench is a parody of Be Our Guest from the animated film Beauty and the Beast. It's about the only thing that's left to do after a long Shabbat lunch -- saying the Grace After Meals (Benching). The lyrics appear below the video.
Enjoy, and Shabbat Shalom!
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Let us bench, let us bench Let us daven like a mensch We've been sitting here and talking and we really need a rest Challah's gone, cholent too So there's one thing left to do It's halacha and I don't lie Don't believe me? Ask the rabbi!
Time is short, I'm in a crunch After all it's way past lunch And I've already digested all this food Go on and take that step This is no time to schlep So let us bench Let us bench Let us bench
I got here at twelve o'clock And you never stopped your talk Gossiping, oh it was fun Oh have you seen the rabbi's son? But politics don't thrill me And I have somewhere to be I don't mean to be complaining You're no longer entertaining
We told jokes Heard your schtick Now come on, let's be quick Oh the food was really great, I've no regrets But drain that kiddush glass Get up and off your--tuchus! And let us bench Let us bench Let us bench
Life is so unnerving For a girl who's so observing And my head just needs a bed to lay upon Ah, those Shabbos naps when I was little Suddenly those good old naps are gone
For hours we've been sitting And for me it's time for quitting I need exercise, a chance to use my limbs Today we just sat around the table Flabby, fat, and lazy And it's making me go crazy
Let's not bench, let's not bench It's not something we suggest You haven't been here all that long And dear quite frankly you're our guest So sit down, eat more food It's not time yet to conclude 'Til the moonlight starts a-glowing Let us help you, we'll keep going
Course by course Song by song We'll stay here 'til day is done Then Mez can sing you off to sleep as you digest We know you love to schmooze (But I've just got to snooze!) So let's not bench (So let us bench!) Let's not bench (Let's bench!) Let's not bench (Miriam, you pulled this last week, I'm not doing it again!) Please let's not bench (The rabbi's son would be so disappointed!)
When George Burns was 93 years old in 1989 he was interviewed by
Johnny Carson on his Tonight Show. In the interview Burns reminisced
about the many entertainers that he knew and wrote about in his book All My Best Friends, including Al Jolson, Groucho Marx, and Jack Benny. Burns,
who lived to be 100, had Carson laughing as he joked about outliving
his doctors and his habit of smoking between 15 and 20 cigars every day.
Enjoy! A
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The liturgical poem (Piyut) “Come to Us with Mercy” was composed by the scholar and lyricist, Freha bat Avraham bar Adiva.
Freha was born in Morocco in the 18th
century, and migrated with her family to Tunis due to the pogroms in
Morocco. The pogroms spread to Tunis in the 1750’s, causing Freha’s
father and brothers to flee. Freha’s fate is not known.
She wrote the piyut “Come to Us with
Mercy,” with its chorus “Who at morning time hears my voice” as a
private supplication to the Almighty, and a request to bring redemption
to the Jewish people.
The words of the supplication teach us
about the riots against the people of Tunis and of Freha’s hopes to be
saved and for the Land of Israel to be freed from Ottoman rule. She
describes this hope by praying that Israel would inherit the land from
“the hand of Ishmael” (MiYad Yishmaeli). Her request seems a little
strange to people of our time, however, in her time – such a request was
appropriate. Some have called to slightly alter the words in order to
reflect the return of the Jewish people to their land, so that it reads
“Immediately – My God will hear” (MiYad – Yishma Eli).
In the sixth verse, we learn about Freha’s personal hardship and suffering, when she uses the nickname“Bat Yosef – Daughter of Joseph”,
hinting at the biblical name of the Jewish people “House of Joseph”.
This is a unique, feminine personification of a people that longs to
return to its land, and over the years the nickname “Bat Yosef” became
her nom de plume.
It is customary to sing the piyut in
Sephardic congregations during the High Holidays and in many Masorti
congregations in Israel during Rosh Hashanah services. The poem can be
found in the Masorti Machzor Pote’ach Sha’ar for the High Holidays.
Cantor Saralee Shrell-Fox, a member of
Maayanot, a Masorti congregation in Jerusalem, and a cantor at Moreshet
Yisrael, composed this beautiful melody for Freha Bat Avraham's piyut
together with her son Maayan.
It may be that many liturgical poems
have been written by women and have disappeared over the generations.
Freha’s supplication might only be one example amongst a wealth of poems
and feminine creation that was produced in Spain and in North Africa.
By re-introducing liturgy written by women into our prayers today, we
reclaim a feminine voice that has been lost to us.
A
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(A tip of the kippah to Dan Mosenkis for bringing this piyut to our attention.)
With Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur behind us, our attention turns to Sukkot, one of the happiest holidays in the Jewish calendar. We hope you had an easy and meaningful fast, and now it's time to plan our feasts for the eight-day holiday of Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret, and Simchat Torah. Some start building a sukkah immediately after Yom Kippur, and many sukkot went up last night and today. One of the sukkah building projects was done by actress Mayim Bialik. You may know Mayim Bialik as Amy Farrah Fowler, Sheldon Cooper's neuroscientist girlfriend (now wife) on The Big Bang Theory, but in real life she really is a neuroscientist who identifies as an Orthodox Jew. In August 2015, Bialik launched her own lifestyle website, GrokNation,
which caters to women and includes wide-ranging topics such as religion,
popular culture, parenting, and Hollywood. Bialik also mentioned in her
interviews that her website's title was in reference to the classic
1961 sci-fi novel Stranger in a Strange Land and was derived from the word grok, which means to fully grasp something in the deepest way possible. In this video Mayim shows you
how she built her sukkah last year and what it looks like when completed. There's time
lapse and drone footage. Whether
you built your own sukkah or whether you'll be spending time this week
in the sukkah of a friend or a synagogue, we wish you good weather and a
very happy holiday. We will be celebrating a family Sukkot and we'll be
in shul Monday and Tuesday. We'll be back on Wednesday with our usual
mix of Jewish humor. Enjoy, and Chag Sameach! A
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We have been posting versions of Adon Olam from all over the world, 43 so far. Every week we search the Internet for new interpretations of this classic Shabbat morning hymn.
And today we're posting our 44th Adon Olam, this one from the Leo Frankel Synagogue in Budapest, Hungary. The occasion was a festive concert on September 3, the 130th birthday of the Synagogue. There are 400 seats in the synagogue that was built in 1888. In the 1920’s a block building was built around it to protect it. It's a Neolog synagogue which is the mainstream denomination in Hungary. It’s somewhere between Conservative and Modern Orthodox.
– Men and women sit separated but without a mechitzah. – It is not egalitarian: women are not counted to the minyan neither called for aliyah. – Most congregants celebrate rather than keep Shabbat.
And they are very enthusiastic, as you can see from the joyous singing of Adon Olam.
Enjoy, and Shabbat shalom!
A
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With Yom Kippur in the rear view mirror, we hope you all had an easy and meaningful fast.
Now in this festive month of one holiday after another, we're taking a Throwback Thursday comedy break and turning the clock back to 1956. That's 62 years ago. Back then, color TV was just beginning to become available and most programming was in black and white. Milton Berle was in his prime and on his way to becoming the king of television. In 1956 he did a special with Elvis Presley on the deck of the U.S.S. Hancock in which Elvis introduced him as his twin brother Melvin Presley.
After a couple of minutes of patter, they put their guitars to work in a rendition of Blue Suede Shoes. Enjoy! A
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Yom Kippur begins tonight with Kol Nidrei and ends tomorrow night with the singing of Avinu Malkeinu (Our Father, Our King.) The prayer is chanted at the end of the Neilah service before the last shofar blast of the High Holidays. There are many versions of Avinu Malkeinu, but one of the most popular is the one composed by Max Janowski. Today we're sharing that version as sung a year ago in New York's Park Avenue Synagogue by cantors Azi Schwartz, Shira Lessek, and Rachel Brook. The words appear below the video. We hope it puts you in the proper mood to experience a meaningful day of prayer and reflection. We'll be in synagogue all day tomorrow and back on Thursday with our usual Jewish Humor Central mix. G'mar Chatimah Tovah!
Our father our king, hear our prayer
We have sinned before Thee
Have compassion upon us and upon our children
Help us bring an end to pestilence, war, and famine
Cause all hate and oppression to vanish from the earth
Inscribe us for blessing in the Book Of Life
Let the new year be a good year for us
It's another Monday. Time for another joke to start the week. But it's also the day before Yom Kippur eve. What to do? How to be true to both traditions? There has to be a joke about Yom Kippur that will fit the bill. But where? Enter the Internet, and Google. It wasn't easy, but we found one, and here it is, as told by a puppet on the Beliefnet website. Here's the setup: A rabbi loved to play golf, but he never seemed to have time. He couldn't play on Shabbat, there was religious school on Sundays, and on days off something always comes up. But amidst all the activity of the High Holidays, he got a very early tee time before services on Yom Kippur. And then... Enjoy!
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A few days before Rosh Hashanah, U.S. Ambassador to Israel David Friedman discovered that the jar of honey that he was going to use for the first night ofthe holiday was missing from his new office in Jerusalem. It probably got lost in the move from Tel Aviv.
So, after a quick call to his wife, he ended up in Mahane Yehuda, the Jerusalem shuk, where he was able to find a solution to his problem and to wish a Shanah Tovah to all of us. Enjoy! A
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Thirty cantors who lead services year-round in Jerusalem synagogues also sing in the Jerusalem Cantors Choir, with performances in Israel and beyond. In July the choir traveled to Subotica, Serbia for the dedication of a renovated synagogue there. The cantors performed a full program of Israeli and Jewish songs that included Hatikvah, Oseh Shalom, Chiribim, Jerusalem of Gold, Al Kol Eleh, and many others. Here is their rendition of Am Yisrael Chai. Enjoy, and Shabbat shalom! A
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When Your Show of Shows was canceled in 1954, Sid Caesar started a new show called Caesar's Hour. The popular series of sketches called The Hickenloopers, about a bickering married couple, was recast as The Commuters, with Nanette Fabray playing Sid's wife as Imogene Coca had played in The Hickenloopers.
In this 1955 episode, "The Small Apartment," Bob and Nan Victor (Sid Caesar and Nanette Fabray)
try to host a dinner party for three couples in a city apartment
that's far too small for the task. Meanwhile, their guests continually
needle them about their spacious suburban homes. Enjoy!
A
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Old Jews Telling Jokes has been around since 2008, first as a web site, then as a CD, book, DVD, and an off-Broadway show that has been traveling all around the USA. It was the creation of Sam Hoffman and Eric Spiegelman, who got the idea from listening to their parents telling jokes with their friends in central New Jersey. In this NJTV News interview, Hoffman tells the story of how his idea blossomed into a source of laughter for so many people. Enjoy! A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:
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Thanks to our thousands of loyal
subscribers and casual readers worldwide who have joined us during the year.
We started this blog on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more
than 2600 blog entries and almost 3 million page views over the last nine years.
We appreciate your
loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of
its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just
funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas.
5778 has been a great year for us -- a year of wonderful friendship, a year in which our nine books on Jewish humor have been selling on
Amazon.com, and in which we performed 18 comedy shows and lectures in Florida, New York,
New Jersey, and Montreal.
We'll be attending services for Rosh Hashanah tomorrow and Tuesday, and we'll be
back posting again on Wednesday. Here's wishing a happy, healthy, joyous,
prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!
With Rosh Hashanah starting on Sunday evening, we're taking a break from pop music songs about the holiday and getting in the liturgical mood with a selection from the Shofarot section of the Musaf service. It's a beautiful rendition of Psalm 150 (Halleluyah) with music by Louis Lewandowski. It's sung by the participants of the 28th Annual North American Jewish Choral
Fesitval conducted by
Maestro Mathew Lazar, Founder and Director of the Zamir Choral
Foundation.
Enjoy, and Shabbat shalom!
A
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It's another Throwback Thursday and time for another comedy special from the past. Today we're going back 67 years to 1951 when Your Show of Shows was the weekly show you just had to watch. The regulars on the show were Sid Caesar, Imogene Coca, Carl Reiner, and Howard Morris. All four of them appear in this comedy sketch.
Sid goes to the movies and settles into his seat. Before long he finds himself embroiled in an argument between a bickering couple played by Imogene Coca and Carl Reiner. Then the sparks fly. Enjoy! A
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The students and faculty of Israel's Technion - Israel Institute of Technology
are always eager to demonstrate their scientific and
engineering talents, and the Jewish holidays give them the opportunity
to apply their knowledge in humorous ways.
In this video, filmed in the Technion's Cognitive Robotics Laboratory, the Technion robots collaborate to produce a Rosh Hashanah party. First they set the table and then they bring flowers, apples and honey to celebrate the New Year. One robot selects a nice apple for Technion president Peretz Lavie to dip into honey, shake hands with one of the robots and wish all viewers a Happy New Year. The robot even attempts to blow a shofar, but we think it needs a bit more practice. Enjoy! A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS: THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE
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Boys Town Jerusalem is one of Israel's premier institutions for
educating the country's next generation of leaders in the fields of
technology, commerce, education, the military and public service.
Since
its founding in 1948, BTJ has pursued its mission of turning young boys
from limited backgrounds into young men with limitless futures. From
Junior High through the College level, the three part curriculum at Boys
Town - academic, technological and Torah - is designed to turn
otherwise disadvantaged Israeli youth into productive citizens of
tomorrow.
Boys Town’s 18 acre campus is a home away from home for its
more than 950 students. More than 7,500 graduates hold key positions
throughout Israeli society. For Rosh Hashanah, the Boys Town Jerusalem choir performs Ya'aseh Shalom. Enjoy! A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS: THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE
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Today we have
another joke for you from Israel and one of our newest joke tellers, Max
Nathans. Max was born in Holland and since 1969 has been living in kibbutz
Matzuva in northern Israel.
As a kibbutz
member he filled all sorts of jobs, and worked most of the time as a certified
electrician.
Now retired, he
is busy with various things and works as a volunteer in a center for people
with special needs.
Here's the setup:
One night was driving his taxi near Tel Aviv and suddenly next to Ramat Gan the
taxi was hailed. Moshe stopped the car and in jumped a lady in the back seat.
And then...
Enjoy!
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Just Published: The Kustanowitz Kronikle - 35 Years of Purim Parody
Every Purim for the past 35 years we have published a Purim parody edition of The Kustanowitz Kronikle, covering virtually every aspect of Jewish life, and including parodies of hundreds of popular movies. This year we decided to retire the series and capture all the fun in a book that's just been published and is available at Amazon.com. It has every Purim issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle from 1988 through 2022 in a full-color, full-size paperback book with hilarious headline stories and parody movie picks. Here are a few examples: TRUMP, NETANYAHU SWAP ROLES, COUNTRIES; NEW TALMUD VOLUME "VOTIN" FOUND IN IRAQ; JOINS "FRESSIN", "NAPPIN", TANTZEN","PATCHEN"; "JUDAICARE" PROGRAM PLANNED TO ENSURE THAT ALL JEWS HAVE SYNAGOGUE MEMBERSHIP; RABBIS CREATE TALMUD AMERICANI; NEW LAWS EXTEND HALACHA TO THANKSGIVING AND JULY 4; JEWISH ORGANIZATIONS WORLDWIDE UNITE TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING; FOCUS ON REDUCING HOT AIR; RABBIS TO REQUIRE SHECHITA FOR MANY FRUITS AND VEGETABLES
Jewish Humor Central Staff
Publisher and Editor-in-Chief:
Al Kustanowitz Food and Wine Editor:
Aviva Weinberg Israel Food and Wine Consultant Penina Kustanowitz Reporter and Photographer:
Meyer Berkowitz Reporter Phyllis Flancbaum
Now You Can Book Program and Lecture Dates for 2024 and 2025 in Person and Via ZOOM
Now is the time to book our Jewish humor programs and lectures for your 2024 and 2025 events in person and via ZOOM anywhere in the world. Book any of our 22 popular programs including "The Great Jewish Comedians", “Israel is a Funny Country”, and "Jewish Traces in Unexpected Places." Click above for details and videos. To book a program with Al, e-mail: dan@hudakonhollywood.com
"Jewish Traces in Unexpected Places" is now available on Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle editions
This book presents 150 anecdotes and associated video clips that reveal the myriad ways that Jewish culture, religion, humor, music, song, and dance have found expression in parts of the world that, at first glance, might not seem supportive of Jewish Life. It includes 50 videos of Hava Nagila being performed from Texas to Thailand, from India to Iran, and from Buenos Aires to British Columbia. Also highlighted are 34 international versions of Hevenu Shalom Aleichem, Adon Olam, Abanibi, and Tumbalalaika. Whether you’re reading the print version and typing in the video URLs or reading the e-book version and clicking on the links, you’ll have access to 150 video clips totaling more than 10 hours of video. Enjoy!
"Israel is a Funny Country" is now available on Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle editions
This book explores the multifaceted nature of humor in Israel, some of which is intentional and some of which is unintentional. Either way, the quirks of Israeli life contribute to making that life interesting and fulfilling. In the pages of this volume, we take a look at humorous slices of Israeli life, Israeli comedy, satire and parody, funny TV commercials, unusual stories about food, surprising rabbinic bans on daily activities, simchas as they can only be celebrated in Israel, and endearing aspects of Israeli culture. There are more than 120 anecdotes and links to video clips totaling more than six hours of video. We hope that these anecdotes and video clips give you a new and different insight into life in Israel, and encourage you to join in the fun by planning a visit to the land flowing with milk and honey.
Now is the time to book our Jewish Humor Shows and Lectures in person or on ZOOM.
Bring Al's Jewish humor lectures and comedy programs with the funniest videos on the Internet to your community and your synagogue, club, JCC, organization or private event in person or via ZOOM. We're taking reservations now for 2024 and 2025 dates in your community. Click above for details. To book a program with Al, e-mail: dan@hudakonhollywood.com.
Now Open: The Jewish Humor Central Gift Shop
Jewish Humor Central logo merchandise is now available. Click on the image above to see the complete collection -- More than 100 items from tote bags, baseball caps, mugs, aprons, drinkware, T-shirts and sweatshirts, to pajamas and underwear.
The Best of Jewish Humor Central - Now Available in eBook and Paperback at Amazon.com
The Best of Jewish Humor Central - More than 400 video clips, including music and comedy videos for all the Jewish holidays. View them on Your PC, Mac, Kindle Fire, iPad, iPhone, iTouch, Android Tablet and Smartphone. Click on the image above to peek inside and download a free sample. And now, a paperback edition for anyone who prefers a traditional book and doesn't mind typing the URLs instead of clicking on them.
About the Publisher and Editor-in-Chief
A long-term devotee of Jewish humor, Al Kustanowitz has been collecting and sharing it even before there was an internet. In 2009, after a 36-year career at IBM managing new technology projects, he founded Jewish Humor Central (jewishhumorcentral.com. Through the blog he brings a daily dose of fun and positive energy to readers who would otherwise start the day reading news that is often drab, dreary, and depressing (subscribing is free). He has published 12 books on humor based on his more than 4,000 blog postings, each of which includes a video clip and his commentary.
He has presented more than 100 programs in South Florida and the Northeast on topics that include the great comedians and entertainers of the 20th century, funniest moments in film and television, flash mobs around the world, and composers and lyricists of the Great American Songbook.
He earned his bachelor's and master's degrees from the City University of New York and taught computer science courses at the Courant Institute of Mathematical Sciences at New York University. He is a member of the Advisory Board of the International Association of Yiddish Clubs.
You can contact Al via email at akustan@gmail.com.
Israel’s Tenth Trial
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by R. Eliezer Simcha Weisz In this unprecedented hour of trial, Israel
stands at a historic crossroads facing a perilous moment, waging battle on
eight fr...
A Friend Indeed
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[image: Dry Bones cartoon, Trump, MAGA, President, Jerusalem, Embassy,
America, Huckabee,]
Welcome Ambassador Huckabee!
* * * And *IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MAK...
Thoughts on the Haggadah by Rabbi Eli Teitelbaum
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[image: Story 375601404]
We just recently were able to find the latest version of my fathers, Rabbi
Eli Teitelbaum Z”L, thoughts on the Haggadah and conve...
Hamantaschen: The Symbolism behind Purim Cookies
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Purim is a celebration of masquerade, Mishloach Manot, Hamantaschen and
book of Esther reading. Every Jewish holiday focuses on a special dish and
the tria...
Taking the Shuk to the Next Level
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Anyone who has spent any time on my blog, or just getting to know me, knows
how much I love Jerusalem’s famous outdoor market, Shuk Machane Yehuda.
I’ve ...
Kettlebell Training Massachusetts
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In April 2006, legislation was passed requiring all residents in
Massachusetts specializes in assisting Massachusetts residents who have
been put on exhi...
A chat with some protesters…
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Originally posted on don of all trades:
Hi protesters, it’s me, Don. Do you remember me? No? I’m a police officer.
We’ve met before. Excuse me? Did you say...
Trayf of the Week: Bacon Jam
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Just when you thought it was safe to eat your bagels in mixed company,
comes this devilish concoction. Next time a Goyishe friend offers you a
shmear, mak...