Yom Kippur Coronavirus Special: Comedian Joel Chasnoff Updates Confession to Include Pandemic Misdeeds

Every Yom Kippur, Jews collectively acknowledge our “sins” during the Vidui Confession. Below is Joel's updated version of the Confession, based on all the misdeeds we committed during the pandemic. It's in alphabetical order, like the real thing! 

The Corona Confession:

א  Apcheenu - We sneezed without covering our noses

ב  Barachnu - We left a Zoom meeting early under false pretenses

ג  Googalnu - We Googled Corona statistics for no reason

ד Dacheenu We delayed taking a Covid test to avoid being quarantined

   D’mei Havtalnu We applied for unemployment benefits unnecessarily

ה Heeshta’alnu - We coughed into our hands and wiped it on our friends’ furniture

ו  Ve-Heesh’arnu We left our cell phones at home during quarantine so we couldn’t be tracked

   WiFinu - We claimed the WiFi was down to explain having missed an 8AM staff meeting

ז  Zoomeenu BeShaina - We slept during a Zoom session

ח Cholanu - We faked having a sore throat and dry cough to avoid visiting our mothers-in-law

ט Televeeznu - We watched TV during an online bar mitzvah

 י Yadeinu Tamanu - We touched fomites without rubber gloves

 כ Kafkafeenu - We wore our slippers outside

    Kalavnu - We borrowed our neighbor’s dog and took him for a walk, just to get some fresh air

 ל Leechlachnu - We touched silverware without first washing our hands

 מ Maseichanu - We wore our masks below our chins

 נ Netflixnu - We used the pandemic as an excuse to watch Netflix

 ס Sacheetnu - We squeezed fruit in the grocery store, then put it back on the shelf

 ע Aleenu - We took the elevator when it would have been more hygienic to take the stairs

 פ Purellnu - We finished all the Purell

 צ Chateteenu - We chatted privately in Zoom meetings about others in attendance

    Tza’adnu - We failed to take off our shoes before entering the house

 ק Quarantinu - We self-quarantined to take a break from our families

 ר Routernu - We changed the password to the family WiFi router and didn’t share it

 ש Sheekarnu - We lied about having washed our hands with soap

 ת Tachtoneemnu - We wore underwear to a Zoom meeting

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